Mother tended to become rivted on what she considered a personal slight or insult but would not discuss it with you. Later, she wouldn’t remember what the explanation for it was or that it may have been untintentional. She silently brooded over the incident and carried it with her inside. She remembered only the insult, however accidental, and it grew as time passed. Usually, such a misunderstanding fades away with time. But for Mother, the process was the opposite. She clung to the image of the old hurt, to her own secret image as the deprived, somehow cheated and unloved person.
That image was the bottomless pit into which you could pour years of loving, kindness, and attempts at reconciliation without visible results. It failed to erase your mistake. It put you at a permanent disadvantage. Your umpremeditated error in judgment became part of a larger aberration that existed privately in the far reaches of her own childhood deprivation, her own alienation and loneliness, her own insatiable need for love. There just wasn’t enough love in the whole world to fill her need. She didn’t allow enough space for other human beings to be themselves and give her anything real. She demanded such constant reassurance of devotion that she left no room for love. It was impossible to satisfy her.
Over the years, most of the people who really did love her, in spite of her demands, were pushed away because she seemed unable to accept others as totally separate from herself. So she forced herself into settling for subservience.
To her, devotion meant saying yes to her. You didn’t have a genuine relationship with her. You did what she wanted and said what she wanted to hear or you were banished. You treated her like the Star always. You behaved enough like a fan to make her feel comfortable. Inveitably, you were placed in a position of servitude, however subtle. Under these conditions, she was generous. She showered gifts and thoughtfulness beyond anything remotely required. That was the price and those were the payoffs."
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- eshusplayground said: HOLY SHIT! THAT’S CORA! (Remember my head canon about Regina not being able to sit through “Mommie Dearest” without being horribly triggered?)
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